Are you defined by being Single? Are you single by choice or more of a relationship person?
With Valentine’s Day behind us, we’ve just survived a massive storm of love messages, stories of healthy and unhealthy relationships AND stories about being single. In this article we want to look at being single in the spirit of finding what makes you happy.
A little bit of context first: Being single is something that is being talked about at the moment, especially amongst millennials. We are riding the wave of the brilliant marketing campaign for the movie that is in cinemas now: “How to be Single” and are part of a generation that is defying even the toughest society rules for the sake of individuality.
We took note of a recent Stylist article that quite firmly claimed Singledom as something normal and a valid choice. But author Lucy Vine also says quite clearly that being single and wanting to be single is not the norm yet and is being questioned a lot wherever she goes.
So are you content with being single or are you missing a partner/witness/lover in your life?
I remember being single and loving it.
The freedom to go out when you want to, where you want to. To flirt and snog whoever you want to. The freedom to stay at home in your pyjamas and watch telly without having to justify yourself. Making a decision without having to accommodate someone else.
I also remember being single and finding it difficult.
Manoeuvering the unwritten rules of dating, the uncertainties around sex: “Do we go to mine or yours?”, “Do you have condoms?”, “Will I see him again?”, “Wait, do I want to see him again?!”
Feeling lonely when my mum or a friend I’d normally call or see weren’t available.
I remember missing what the film industry was promising me: Wildly satisfying and adventurous love!
And I don’t miss the moments when I wondered if I was worthy of love. If I would ever find someone that is my other half, my soul mate. Feeling lonely and unloved.
That’s often when you hear people say “You have to love yourself first, then you’ll find love” or “Only once you stop searching, love will find you:” (Ever felt like punching someone for saying it? I did.)
My past relationships taught me a lot, when they broke up; about that other person, about me and about what kind of people I want in my life. So I believe there is something to be said for being single after a break up, to reflect and settle into your own skin.
But ultimately I know I am a relationship person and always have been. I am an extrovert, someone who likes to relate to people, I have been loved by my parents and want to have a family myself. I enjoy the trust and intimacy of sharing my life with one person despite knowing that there are other ways of loving and relating with each other out there.
It’s ok to be that way, just like it is to be you.
Take a moment to consider your past relationships and /or your current.
What do you value about being in a relationship?
What do you value about being single?
What is it that connects you with another human being? (Shared values, shared activities, shared preferences?)
A few more resources:
The other day, my partner and I did a short online test to find out what “Love Language” we are speaking. According to Gary Chapman there are 5 Love Languages and knowing which one you speak and/or the people around you will greatly help to understand your own and other peoples needs.
After having done it myself, I can recommend the test to you, whether you’re a relationship person or a convinced singleton, you will learn something about yourself and how you communicate “love” and what you want.
If you are single and you’re loving it definitely check out the Stylist article above.
If you however are looking for love, we recommend the book “Calling in The One” http://www.amazon.co.uk/Calling-One-Weeks-Attract-Love/dp/1400049296.
It helped Fiona after being single for 10 years and she recommends it to all of her friends
Over to you.
Are you a convinced singleton or a resentful one? Are you in a relationship and loving or hating it?
What issues, questions, themes would you like us at Mind The Gap to tackle around this subject? And/or do you know a great resource, you’d like to share?
We’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Ready for change? Ready to embrace who you are and not what everyone else expects you to be?
You might just love the Mind The Gap Signature Programme. Go check it out. #Ok2BeMe
Hi I am Laura, co-founder and certified coach at Mind The Gap Coaching
5 years 11 months and 6 days ago I fell in love during or maybe shortly after a conversation with my partner, head over heels, completely irrationally, I could feel the pain and beating heart in my chest. Four days later it turned out he liked me too.
We are still together.
Let me tell you, love isn’t like in the movies, it’s intense, emotional, hard work and only worth it as long as you choose it to be.
You can talk to me directly about singledom, relationships and quarter-life via mail or by calling 07738924291.